Theory about A.S.S.

(or for those of you who are easily offended –S.A.S.)

Dating with Sanity


Attractive, Single, Stabile

People tend to date for quite a few reasons. The list is long but here are a few of the popular reasons I have observed (or experienced –I’m no saint either):

    Loneliness.  Some people date other people just to overcome the feeling of loneliness, without ever figuring out why they are lonely in the first place. The truth is it sometimes works. I think the “success ratio” of couples that date to cure loneliness is low. You will see why when you get to the meat of this article, the A.S.S.

 

    Horny. Some people date just to get laid. What a concept. Can you believe it? Of course you can and most people I’ve met have done this a lot in their lives. The problem is that you have to deal with the person you have sex with before, during and after. Sometimes that carries quite a price tag!
    For Acceptance. There are a a lot of us who feel left out when everyone else is dating or we worry over what people will say when we don’t for a substantial time. This is a really poor reason to date because it is truly taking someone hostage for no reason. The person we date may not know of or even figure out our motives.  Pressure from family and friends to date is really odd. Most will be truly unhappy if they see someone who choses to be single for a while.  Are they really that happy? I can just hear them saying “Oh come share the misery with us! What you think we’re not happy just because we spend most of our waking hours arguing over trivial matters? “

 

    Fear of dying alone. Do I really need to explain this? Maybe later.

So you ask, “What if I want to date and be sane about it?” This is where the theory comes in. I heard it from a friend of mine Pete and I’m sure he heard it from someone else, but it makes sense to me. In this writing I will give you my thoughts about it and see if it can work for you. I call the Theory ASS because I’m a grown man with a wicked sense of humor and a distain for almost all things politically correct. As I stated above if you have a problem with it you can re-arrange the letters to suit your taste. By now I’m sure you’d like to know what the letters stand for and I won’t make you wait another second. They stand for Attractive, Stabile and Single. When dating or actually considering someone as a long term partner give each of this items consideration. Be very aware that you should also consider how well you would be assessed. So let’s look at each one separately.

Attractive


In our culture physical beauty is an asset. Don’t deny it or try to rationalize that you are “above it”, just accept it and then move on. It is the basis for the first inventory you will do on a prospective mate. It is usually what molds that important “first impression”. It will influence your most powerful drive, sex. Lets face it a drop dead sexy person is attractive. But is that true? Ever meet a true egoist? They will work very hard to look sexy and at the same time are as offensive as stink on a skunk personality wise. What about ugly? They say that beauty is in the mind of the beholder, but let’s be reasonable, someone that is physically ugly, and has an ugly personality isn’t likely to attract a long term mate (except a sick one). Most people with shortcomings to their physical attraction will do something to offset them. They may try to hide them or actually do something drastic (like have surgery). They will make an effort to look better. What they can’t change they may offset by being particularly nice, giving or intelligent. Those that don’t make an effort will not be attractive. There are a huge gamut of physical attributes that manifest themselves ranging from the “overly-made-up-starved-model-wanna-be” fuck puppet to the Wal-Mart dunk tank reject. Somewhere in between is normal. Someone who looks nice enough (it is up to you after all), takes care of themselves within reasonable bounds and is generally appealing. Again it is up to you what you will consider attractive. Remember too that the person you find attractive must also find you the same. Those that are physically “over appealing” and are still “Single” could spell trouble.

Single


It doesn’t just mean that they aren’t married yet or aren’t in a relationship.  Would you risk your heart to someone that just yesterday broke up with someone they had a 5 year relationship with and trust them to not be using you? How could they not? That person is still dealing with the issues they separated from and therefore are married to those issues. If they don’t take the time to heal from the separation and deal with the wounds and issues they may never become “Single” enough to be in a decent relationship. Sometime  that manifests itself in the person using someone to “get back at” or worse ”back with” their ex. Don’t be that person that gets used jut to satisfy some “need” to be in a relationship.
The level of singleness varies and in order to make a reasonable decision one needs to know the person well enough to see if there are roadblocks to a relationship. When I say this, it is because no one EVER gets completely “over” a relationship. They find ways to move on. Sometimes those ways are healthy and mature, other times they are not. I often hear people say “take it slow” and I agree. It takes time to know someone well enough to read their singleness. Sometimes it takes someone with another point of view to not allow one’s “neediness” to interfere with a logical interpretation. A close friend or trusted mentor is a good idea here.
Consider that people may be in relationships that are not “romantic” but still keep them from being available and complete as a partner. Children, business, school, religion and other relationships often take all the time and energy a person has. Sometimes the amount of energy spent on these items (or even the relationship you want or are in) become irrationally overbearing. At that time ‘Stability” should be questioned. That is covered in the next section.
The issues and experiences of a person will affect their “Singleness”. A person that has been raped or a victim of incest may not be available sexually (and for good reason).  If they get help in some form that works they may be available. Sometimes issues of health can get in the way of being available or cause someone to have low self esteem. When that happens the person is not single. They are bringing those issues with them. They will be in bed with you and in everything you try to do in your relationship.

 

Stabile


Ever know someone that is always broke, but can always seem to afford to smoke, get their nails done, drives a nicer car than you? They are not stabile. Stability is based on being responsible for one’s self over the long term. Sure everyone needs help once in a while. But don’t get into the “I can save/change this person” relationship. You can’t save anyone. You can change them, but most often it will not be in the direction you’d like. If you notice that the person you are attracted to can’t hold a job, a place to live, friends, etc, you might look elsewhere. Again ask someone that does not have a desire to be with this person if what you see is real.
As I stated in the last section, people that are overly involved in other items may be covering for a lack of stability. They are making something else what they are. I know about this first hand. One of the biggest forms of this is “People pleasing”. It could be a symptom of low self esteem. It could also be a symptom of short sightedness. Is that football game really that important? Do you want to be second fiddle to sports events, rock bands, business, etc ?
During the first part of dating clues to the true stability of a person are often hid or even misrepresented. No one wants to say “Yes I’m interested in you until ski season” even though it may be the truth. That would kill most chances of continuing to date (unless the other person is also that addicted to skiing or wants to be a door mat). This again shows the reason to take things slow. The truth will present itself, not as the other person portrays it (or you portray it).  Be sure to not misinterpret it. Needy people will misinterpret things.  Try to not misrepresent yourself either.
The last sentence of the preceding paragraph brings up a sometime scary question: How well do you know yourself? Do you really want kids (this question is sometimes a deal breaker either way). Do you really love long walks on the beach or are you just saying that because it’s what you think the other person wants to hear? Can you be honest when you answer questions you don’t want to answer? Take a look at the singles ads and see how you would HONESTLY answer questions or how others comments make you feel. If the questions or opinions seem like they may be important write them down and do a little pros and cons for each one. If it looks like it is mostly cons then you have to admit you don’t want it.

 

Something to consider


No one is totally single, attractive or stabile. They are someplace in a scale of 1 to 10 (or whatever scale you chose to use).  If you find yourself with someone that hign on the  Attractive scale and high on the Stability scale they will probably be low on the Singleness scale. If you find one that is Single and Stabile they may not be that attractive. You get the idea. You may need to settle for two out of three. Just watch for very low numbers on the part that isn’t what that person has strength in. If they are very un-stabile even though they are very attractive and very single you will be better off in the long run not to get involves with that person.

 

Thanks for reading this and of course I’d like to hear your feedback. I’m not an expert on love affairs or relations, but this seems logical to me. It is a work in progress and if I receive ideas I may use them.

ONE LAST THING: Make sure to look at your own A.S.S. quotient